Jerry Murphy (pseudonym)
"So, how does it feel?"

      "So, how does it feel to be dying?  I wanted to be the first
one to ask you that question."  So spoke my roommate during my
third week of HIV dianosis.  I remember, because just before he
spoke, I thought I was getting over my shock and depression.
Maybe I could get on with my life.
      And I just sat there.  I wanted to run up to my room, pack a
suitcase, yell at him, maybe even strike him, and leave.  Escape!  But
I had learned my childhood lessons of survival very well: no matter
what you think, no matter what you feel-don't let it show.
      It's been over two years since he asked me that question.  It
still hurts.  It may always hurt me.  And it angers me.
      But I look back, and after a year of therapy, I evaluate it and
say, "This is why I am me.  This is why I act (or don't act) in certain
situations.  This is why I can be very screwed up."
      Now I look ahead and promise myself that I will never let
anyone abuse me like that again.  Others or myself.  the source
makes no difference.  At least I have gained enough insight to say I
don't deserve to be emotionally and/or physically abused.
Sometimes I actually have the strength to do that.  But ruts, even 
unconfortable and painful ones, are difficult to leave.  Funny how I 
fear the unknown.
     In this last year I have found some remarkable strengths
among my weaknesses.  This cosmic kick in the butt has forced me
(or should I say given me the incentive?) to go on the fast track for 
self-revelation.  That I can sit here and share these thoughts-my self-
doubts, my fears, my failings-shows me that I have changed.  And 
so I say, "So, you had an awful childhood?  Get over it!"
     I know not to aim for perfection, but I can and do expect 
progress.
     I will not bury my emotions.  I will not bury myself
prematurely.  I know I can face the unpleasant truth.  but now I'm
working on facing the pleasant truth as well.
     I am being better to myself.  and I deserve it.  God knows I 
have paid, and am paying, a high price for this insight.
     My advice to others:  Read the book or see the movie.  Profit
from my pain.